I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
