i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
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