WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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