Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
