I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
