I just cut my nipple shaving
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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