please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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