I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
