I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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