He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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