My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
