My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
