I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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