im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
