Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
