I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
