one word: firstdatebathroomanal
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize