You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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