Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
