shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
