I wish my penis had an off switch
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
