Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
