1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I would ride that face into the sunset
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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