dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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