I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
