my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
My feet surprised me
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