I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize