Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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