The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
