Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
So much rum. So many feels.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
