But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
