I want to have your abortion
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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