Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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