I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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