He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
