I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
