Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
