I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Randomize
