I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
