Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
