If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Randomize
