Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
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