I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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