I will die if light touches me.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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