I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
