i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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