My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
