and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
