I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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