So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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