dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
