life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
