i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Oh god it's open bar.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
