how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
did i walk over a car last night?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
