Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
