you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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