You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
porn star boner night. come get it.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
